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Sex is a Game. Isn't it?
The newest digital fad: GAMING. Never really tried it, nor have I really had the desire to want to try it. Maybe later .. who knows. Went out with a deer hunter once, who was also into big game fishing and really, anything you could acquire that involved shooting, spearing .. basically, murder. This was a short gig. The only thing I wanted to acquire back then that involved shooting was photos into my scanner. Sex is a game. Isn't it? Read more here ......
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3.3.05 06:26
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Sisyphus I am, I am.
Reply to Bruiser's PostI once read Albert Camus: The Myth of Sisyphus at age 16 and marveled and the possibility of such lifelong struggle and torment. Life went on and as I got older I felt I too had the task of pushing up my very own stone against a mountain that seemed to lay before me. Years later and no sooner than much, much later .. I had come to realize that the stone I had been pushing was one that was created by me and the mountain I had chosen to go upwards, was also created by me. Conclusion: I had the freedom to choose my perceptions of things that happened to me. So rather than decide to continue with the task of pushing a very large stone up a very tall mountain, I chose instead to see the stone as a white pebble. One that I could easily place in my pocket as I turned the mountain (in my mind) into a meadow .. and thus started to live my life carrying a white smooth pebble in my pocket as a reminder to take all things into perspective. I now tread merrily across the meadows of life .. no longer in self-inflicted torment, stopping every once in awhile to smell the flowers, listen to the birds sing, feel the sun on my face and hear the brook babble.
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8.3.05 08:39
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The rain of pain lies mainly in my brain
As a child I loved watching movies. The best ones came on Sunday TV around late morning just after the cartoons, "The Sunday Movie Matinee" it was titled. I was introduced to those amazing classics of the likes of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Jean Kelly, Doris Day, Rock Hudson, Danny Kaye, Bob Hope, Audrey Hepburn, Barbara Streisand, Shirley Temple, so many great, great acting personalities, too many to mention. I often think that in some way my view of life and expectations of life were formed from watching these movies time and time again.
There were catchy tunes associated with most of the musicals that were always my favourite. One of them was from the movie "My Fair Lady". The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane, then I realized that it did not rain on the plane but on the plain. Such is the play of words in the English Language.
Tunes never leave you. They stick in your memory like some kind of sweet glue that you can sniff every once in awhile and the memory attached is like copywrited material.
Tunes never change with the passing of time, but the words can, due to just getting older and not remembering them or something happening in your life that made it change.
This was my rendition of the "My Fair Lady" tune as life took its course: 'The rain of pain lies mainly in my brain'.
There are a few pains in life worth commemorating, after the fact of course. But unlike those special loves in your life that seep into your thoughts every now and then, illiciting a bipolar smile, these pains breed a totally different response. Increased heartbeat, irregular breathing, a slight shiver up and down the spine, a flood of flashback images and a sudden gasp .... that stops you from going there.
This process can cripple a moment and drive you back into the darkness and uncertainty. It can lead you to consuming a litre of Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, render you in bed for the weekend, trying to sleep off the recurring shock or go out and inadvertently make a fool of yourself just for the escape.
Such were the reactions of my youth.
As I now undergo a maturation process my remaked tune of 'The rain of pain lies mainly in my brain' has evolved into a deeper understanding of the underlying harmony.
I am not just my brain. Nor am I what I experience in my mind. I am an entity far greater than any of these concepts. I am connected to a lifeforce that transcends all. I am far beyond and above what the realm of my human existence is capable of comprehending.
In other words,
I am not the pain
that whispers superficial
contexts of experiences in my head
like demon voices disguised in angelic revelation.
I am the rain
that falls gently and rapidly
instantaneously clearing the way to new.
...... and so are you.
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11.3.05 02:33
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His Journey COMPLETE. A work of ART.
Mr. S is a 63 year old man. He has a Ph.D. and has been doing brain cancer research for MD Anderson for over 30 years. I met him on the weekend. He was my patient. A few weeks ago he had an acute stroke that will render him pretty much invalid for the rest of his life.
Prior to this stroke, his baseline was being able to walk and talk without any difficulties.
Mr. S. also had brain cancer that was diagnosed in 1987. He had undergone a brain resection with chemotherapy and radiation. I saw the burns left on his body from radiation therapy when I bathed him.
These are just a few facts on a man that you will never meet.
Snap shots of a life. A movie. A book.
Words of description, of information, of story telling NEVER allow for the full experience of one's life journey. And as we often become the readers and the audience of one another's tale we also become the judge, the righteous, the opinionated, the empathetic, the sympathetic.
Words and emotions do not do justice to what ALWAYS lies beyond the apparent of what SEEMS and APPEARS.
There is the beauty that we often over look, a meaning we seldom grasp, and music we fail to hear.
Mr. S - the very REALNESS of his life taught me something so very profound that weekend, during the wee hours of the morning, underneath the bedside lamp light, during a bedbath.
In the quiet of the space, the simple space that Mr. S and I occupied together, I was able to SEE the beauty, GRASP the meaning, and HEAR the music that was before me.
How often do our choices in life coincide with our destiny?
Years of study [the use of brain faculties to obtain a Ph.D]. The choice to follow a path of research [on brain cancer] and then to actually put the theory into practice [be diagnosed with brain cancer]. To be privileged to experience both sides of a spectrum and then in the end to have THAT taken away [the brain being destroyed by the stroke] ...
.... ahhhh, the simplicity of it all. The beauty of a Soul's journey, COMPLETE. A true work of ART.
And what are you painting with your life?
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22.3.05 04:33
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Escape to Freedom
 When I was younger I was not allowed to do many things. Everything had some kind of restriction as if the word "caution" was held up prior to the start of any activity. I often imagined how wonderful being an adult would be and the kind of freedom that would come with it. Now that I am well into my adult years the only freedom I've come to realize is the freedom you had in your youth. Long ago, escaping youth was the only goal I strived for. Now, it is the very thing I often run to. My youth. The start of all that I ever would be. A time where dreams held their own value and viewing the world was not yet tainted by the myriad of self imposed obstacles that polluted my perceptions. Youth, where love smelt like a whisper of wind that lofted thru the gardenia bush filling your senses with delight and longing - accompanied by Kenny Nolan's "I Like Dreaming". And the mere mention of 'future' simply meant how you would spend your summers until September rolled around again where school was the only sure place you knew you would see your CRUSH, everyday. Youth, where hours were spent in play and languid day dreaming of sailboats on the blue horizon against the shores of a Morrocan sunset and evenings spent in your room looking up at the night sky counting out the stars and if you were lucky, wishing on one that shot across the sky. I am thankful that in my adult years, the gardenia's still smell the same, Kenny Nolan's "I Like Dreaming" is digitally remastered, the Moroccan sunset still graces the horizon and the stars .... ..... ah, the stars. Looking down at me from millions of years ago. ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ *Photo above is of my little nephew Skyler. He ran away quickly while I was trying to catch a glimpse of him playing in a fountain*
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29.3.05 22:03
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